Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Suburbia
So after basically 3 months of not writing a damn thing, I was sitting in psych class, watching the Dead Poet's Society. About halfway into it, I started to feel an itch of inspiration, so I begged some paper and a pen off a friend and started writing, I wrote about a dozen pages of assorted free verse, and pulled this one out of the scrambled mess tonight. I like it. Formatting it on here to match what I have in word is a pain, so I'm going to just let you guys know this isn't quite the set of funky line breaks I was forcing all over the place in this mother in the real word document, but it's close. I hope my University doesn't expect me to write anything classier than this, because it probably won't happen.
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6 comments:
I'm not entirely sure I understood (or want to understand) all the references that you made, but this was really something else. You evoke the creepy artificiality of the suburbs really well.
You mentioned that the line breaks were different in the word document, so they probably make sense on that. Here, they're kind of distracting and I wasn't really sure what the point was all the time. That's just a little thing, though. Overall, I really liked this.
Charles, I am jealous of the way you write.
This wasn't constructive but I'll leave a constructive comment once my head is back in the proper place.
That was fabulous. I missed new stuff from you Charles--it was a little bit like withdrawal, I think. Your poem that you wrote--the spoken word one in the taxi cab that you read on the last day of EPGY--has been playing in my head, like, all day today.
But, back to the poem. I really liked it, and the "you whore" at the end was really . . . I don't know, it just caused the poem to sort of dwell with me long after I finished reading, which is always a good thing. It's very sudden and quite an accusation for the narrator to make of the reader, and leaves the reader with this feeling of "fuck, I'm a part of this mess, too" that's both very impacting and very true. Loved it. Want to read more!!!
Thanks for all the props, guys. Much love.
Good stuff.
Just a few little things I wasn't crazy about...
"and her clothes are as expensive as her coke habit" seems clunky, mostly 'cause the grammar is funky or something. I'd just try to reword it.
I'm only gonna point this out 'cause Seka yelled at me for it too--"quiet, safe desperation" tsk tsk. I like the reference, but I'd change "quiet" to something else.
I don't know why I always want to do this, but I'd cut the end and stop with "and we’d love to have you for dinner", not really sure why. The end seems a bit preachy. Sneaky preachy. But preachy nonetheless.
You know what, Sam?
Fuck you. Fuck you for being exactly correct. I the end IS preachy. That mother needs to come right off. I don't know if I'll end it after the dinner line...but maybe. I appreciate the corrections.
I KNEW someone would call me on 'quiet, safe desperation,' but I wasn't sure where I remmbered it from. It's Palahniuk, right?
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