I'm not really sure what to think of "Ah, Wasted Dad, Play the Piano" 'cause it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, yet, so I'll let it settle and come back later to reread it and maybe come up with something useful, but I do know that the bit about Brando and his Camaro both sounded and looked lovely, so don't change that.
I really enjoy the rhyming in "Watermelon Lunch", especially the internal rhyme. Sometimes the speaker seems a little too intelligent for a kid--words like "elect" and "stride" are a little too erudite, methinks. Not sure how I feel about "Mike's bike" when he's usually "Mikey"; you'd still get a slanty rhyme, and the consistency would be nice. Maybe get rid of the parentheses at the end--not the words, just the parentheses around them...?
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I'm not really sure what to think of "Ah, Wasted Dad, Play the Piano" 'cause it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, yet, so I'll let it settle and come back later to reread it and maybe come up with something useful, but I do know that the bit about Brando and his Camaro both sounded and looked lovely, so don't change that.
I really enjoy the rhyming in "Watermelon Lunch", especially the internal rhyme. Sometimes the speaker seems a little too intelligent for a kid--words like "elect" and "stride" are a little too erudite, methinks.
Not sure how I feel about "Mike's bike" when he's usually "Mikey"; you'd still get a slanty rhyme, and the consistency would be nice.
Maybe get rid of the parentheses at the end--not the words, just the parentheses around them...?
Good God I take too long to say things...
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