(I'm having issues with the "steam shutter snaps open / then shut" line--I'm not a fan of having shutter and shut close to each other, and I like keeping shutter, but I want something short to replace shut that sounds good and yeah...any suggestions would be appreciated.)
Voyeur
I see them on the street corner
in red Chucks and black Chucks,
drifting in circles across the cement
as they waltz in the rain,
half-exposed behind sheets of steam
hanging over the driveway’s rainwater skin.
I see them as frames
caught in the steady flash
of the streetlight as the
steam shutter snaps open
then shut.
In layers the frames
collect--taped to my windows,
pinned to my walls--and
develop into a flickering kiss.
And as they warm in the
air and rainwatery arms,
I sit in blue Chucks, leeching
heat out of the window pane.
3 comments:
The title made this seem a lot more gratuitous than it turned out to be. Or maybe Im just broken.
You know, shut didn't really bother me that much, but something better could go there, yea, but I don't know what exactly. Closed is decent, but it doesn't add anything to the poem.
Don't hate me, but I like it ending on 'and develop into a flickering kiss' more than the last stanza. I like the last stanza, it's fine, but I don't know if it deserves the place of honor at the end of the poem.
I still don't know what chucks are. I must be uncultured.
I like it Sam. It has a photography theme that sticks through it in your word choice.
<3
Haha, sorry to disappoint.
Yeah, closed seems a little too slow--it's one syllable, but it's a long syllable...I don't know, I'll probably just have to be annoyed with that line.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Taylor_All-Stars
Oh. Those are Chucks. Now it makes sense to me.
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