Hmm...interesting, and very "Charles". I liked it, I suppose--when I wasn't nauseated, at least, but hey, Charles wrote it, so that comes with the territory. Let's see...I wasn't sure at first whether this was a prosey poem or poetic prose, I suppose it doesn't matter, 'cause it works nicely either way.
I felt like you sprinkled "fuck" into it just a bit too much 'cause I was numbed to it pretty quickly, but maybe that's just me being jaded.
Loved the concert description in general...
The paragraph beginning "The lights are out now" feels much more list-y than the rest of it, which I'm not a huge fan of; it feels different tone-wise; otherwise the narration flowed very nicely.
The second to last paragraph felt preachy, I'd cut most of the beginning and leave it alone beginning with "I swipe the fireman's cigs"; maybe work in "We all need to be a hero" or something like that at the very end.
Lastly, the hook-up with the fireman felt very, very random. It fits with the piece, to some extent, but it felt a little unbelievable...but maybe I'm just sheltered.
Mad thanks to you Sam. A lot of what you said were bits that seemed broken to me too, and others that seemed alright now seem to be in need of repairs too, and I'm grateful. I'll try to fix just about everything you said.
Anything else look like it could use a lift?
Is everything after leaving the concert even worth keeping? Should I just pare it down to a decent prose poem?
I feel like this could be spread out into a lot of different stories, like all of the sex in it feels really out of place with the girl and the concert and they're a part of two separate stories being told at the same time.
I really did like it though. God I miss your writing, Charles.
The sentence-paragraph-sentence-paragraph structure was really interesting and it worked, but it felt like you did it WAY too often, and instead of emphasizing a sentence or an afterthought, it just became a sort of rhythmic thing . . . I don't know if that makes sense or if that was what you intended, but I think that the style would be more effective if utilized less consistently. I like it a lot, though. Definitely work on it.
I second Sam on the fireman comment. It didn't seem to add anything to the story. I felt like the girl should have been sprinkled a bit more throughout. She showed up at the beginning and end but got lost somewhere in the middle. I really enjoyed reading it.
Yeah, I never thought of that, but I like your idea of focusing on the concert, Charles. Maybe work in some commentary about needing to be the hero except when we're the villain at the end...only thing about that is that it works better with the narrator doing something bad...Hmm. Tricky, 'cause I really like the concert description/scene, but I like the hero/villain bit too, I'm just not sure how you could integrate the two...
5 comments:
Hmm...interesting, and very "Charles". I liked it, I suppose--when I wasn't nauseated, at least, but hey, Charles wrote it, so that comes with the territory. Let's see...I wasn't sure at first whether this was a prosey poem or poetic prose, I suppose it doesn't matter, 'cause it works nicely either way.
I felt like you sprinkled "fuck" into it just a bit too much 'cause I was numbed to it pretty quickly, but maybe that's just me being jaded.
Loved the concert description in general...
The paragraph beginning "The lights are out now" feels much more list-y than the rest of it, which I'm not a huge fan of; it feels different tone-wise; otherwise the narration flowed very nicely.
The second to last paragraph felt preachy, I'd cut most of the beginning and leave it alone beginning with "I swipe the fireman's cigs"; maybe work in "We all need to be a hero" or something like that at the very end.
Lastly, the hook-up with the fireman felt very, very random. It fits with the piece, to some extent, but it felt a little unbelievable...but maybe I'm just sheltered.
Mad thanks to you Sam. A lot of what you said were bits that seemed broken to me too, and others that seemed alright now seem to be in need of repairs too, and I'm grateful. I'll try to fix just about everything you said.
Anything else look like it could use a lift?
Is everything after leaving the concert even worth keeping? Should I just pare it down to a decent prose poem?
I feel like this could be spread out into a lot of different stories, like all of the sex in it feels really out of place with the girl and the concert and they're a part of two separate stories being told at the same time.
I really did like it though. God I miss your writing, Charles.
The sentence-paragraph-sentence-paragraph structure was really interesting and it worked, but it felt like you did it WAY too often, and instead of emphasizing a sentence or an afterthought, it just became a sort of rhythmic thing . . . I don't know if that makes sense or if that was what you intended, but I think that the style would be more effective if utilized less consistently. I like it a lot, though. Definitely work on it.
I second Sam on the fireman comment. It didn't seem to add anything to the story. I felt like the girl should have been sprinkled a bit more throughout. She showed up at the beginning and end but got lost somewhere in the middle.
I really enjoyed reading it.
Yeah, I never thought of that, but I like your idea of focusing on the concert, Charles. Maybe work in some commentary about needing to be the hero except when we're the villain at the end...only thing about that is that it works better with the narrator doing something bad...Hmm. Tricky, 'cause I really like the concert description/scene, but I like the hero/villain bit too, I'm just not sure how you could integrate the two...
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